To be frank, I’m afraid of the night. She frightens me to the point of terror because at night I feel weaker and more vulnerable than anything. Every night I have thoughts that should not appear in principle. My mind begins to search for answers to questions that I do not want to know. It is at night that I feel overwhelmed by feelings that I suppress or ignore during the day.
It is for this reason that I am afraid of night and darkness. I’m afraid of what my mind can do to me. It feels like I lose all my willpower and I stop controlling myself. It seems to me that I have destroyed myself and I hate it. I myself am to blame for this and I hate myself for it. But most of all I hate that I do this to myself because of you. I can not bear the thought that I can not sleep because of you, and you do not even think about me.
In my head, memories are played over and over again, like a sad film written with the cruel fate. I have no choice but to look at him in agonizing agony as if watching the train crash. It overwhelms and destroys me, but I can not turn away. I can not take my eyes off this spectacle. I remember all those moments when I let you fool yourself. I appeared vulnerable before you and let you into my life, and you tried to glory. You managed to so skillfully weaken my protection.
I remember how you looked at me like I was the only girl in the world for you, when in fact you were thinking about others. You hugged and kissed me, and then took and kissed other girls behind me. I still remember your embrace, in which I felt safe. In fact, you just did everything possible so that I did not slip out of your hands and you could further manipulate me. Also, I remember all the sad moments and how much you influenced me.
It’s sad to realize how blind I was. I’m sad that I did not pay attention to what it should be. Of course, you looked at me as if I were the center of your universe. I always thought that you thought I was special. I was wrong and now everything is so confused. At that moment, both of us really felt that there was something special between us.
I could not think that your feelings could be fake. The way we had fun was proving that we are ideally suited to each other. Perhaps we just deceived ourselves. I should have listened to the inner voice, which told me that in reality, everything is not as it seems to me. You had to trust your intuition and you should not ignore that bad feeling.
I needed to understand that everything is not as perfect as it seemed to me. All the signs were on the face. Perhaps I noticed them but preferred to ignore them. My eyes saw everything, but my heart was too stubborn and did not want to believe them. However, I’m not the only one to blame. You chose to leave. It was you who decided to stop loving me and it broke me.
But this does not mean that I stopped believing in love. I know that in love, as in everything else in this world, one needs to improve. Over time, I get better. If you and I did not succeed, it does not mean that I will not succeed in the future with another person. Even if I need to let you go, I do not in any way lose hope of meeting my love, but not with you.